You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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