I cockslap morals
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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