Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
