Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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