I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
