I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
