Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
