I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
