You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
