Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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