I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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