I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
