i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
