I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
