Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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