Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize