maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
