sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
