what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i drank out of a bidet.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
