Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
