The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
