literally had 100 drinks last night.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Randomize
