bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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