I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize