The maid of honor just puked.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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