I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
