A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
