My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
