Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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