There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
