i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
