Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Sorry about my life...
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
