just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
