Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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