My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
