Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize