I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
