Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize