yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I hate all girls vehemently.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
