People with herpes should wear stickers.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize