At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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