It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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