11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Randomize
