Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
