not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
