so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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