Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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