Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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