Four minutes until I can fart!
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
my nose is crying tears of wow.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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