allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
