I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
He shit in the fireplace
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
