i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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