Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
