How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
