apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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