Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize