I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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