Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Randomize
