i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
